Accomplishment. What a icky word. As I moved through today (and it’s Monday… so consider that) I had that devil on my shoulder saying “Vic, you’re not accomplishing anything today!” The clock kept ticking away and it didn’t seem like I was crossing anything off my to do list. Bear in mind, I was working all day. I was here at the computer doing work-related stuff, answering emails, talking to clients, doing pieces of projects. But as the day came to a close and I had only checked off one thing as complete, I felt really bad about myself.
So I decided to punch the little devil Vickie in the face and figure out a way to feel better. After all, I was working! I was not sitting on the couch watching Oprah (like I wanted to do), did not take a nap (like I REALLY wanted to do), did not spend time on Facebook (like I seem to always do)… I actually worked on stuff. So what was it that made me feel bad? How could I fix it?
Accomplish is defined:
1 : to bring about (a result) by effort
2 : to bring to completion
3 : to succeed in reaching (a stage in a progression)
In order to fix this vicious circle of doubt I get myself into, I’ve decided to ignore definition #2 in daily life.
From this point on, I am going to view accomplishments for the day in relative terms — Did I get a result from my effort? Did I reach a stage in a progression? Looking at my day today (which I felt nothing got done) I did in fact do both — I may not have finished any particular projects, but on all my tasks for the day I made forward progression, and I got a result (even if that means just an email reply from a client).
I’m going to try this new mental measurement out to see if it succeeds in shutting up that self-doubt devil. I’ll let you know how I do. 
And then….
Then my son came home. Distraught. Crying. In a real bad way. It turns out that he got in trouble at school for misbehaving. After a little digging, I figured out that he was less upset about getting in trouble then he was scared (and embarrassed) because he never got the chance to explain himself and his intentions. Now he is worried that his teacher, and his friends, will come to their own conclusions about what he did and not like him / make fun of him / be mad at him. I could feel that misery. And I can relate.
Even though him breaking a rule and me not crossing off my to-do list are very different, the resulting self-doubt and worry are very similar. One voice in my head wanted to tell him “it doesn’t matter what others think of you!!” but I know that is BS. If it was true that others opinions didn’t matter, this world would be a much different place. It does matter — but the key is to limit your list of people whose opinion matters, and to segregate it based on the topic (i.e family stuff vs. business stuff vs. friend stuff). It’s hard to explain that to a 9 year old — heck, it’s hard to explain that to myself! — but I think it’s something that we all need to come to terms with. The idea that the only person you have to answer to is yourself is silly.
And now…
Now I am adding another portion to my get-rid-of-self-doubt plan. Accounting. Justifying my accomplishments for the day to myself is one thing, but I think that I also have to take that step and account for them to those whose opinions matter. I think that is the missing piece to the puzzle… letting my clients know where I am at with things, being honest about what’s possible and what’s not possible (one of my biggest problems – saying yes when I can’t follow through), and generally letting them know where they stand. I think I feel the most guilty at the end of my work day when I don’t have something finished and I think my client thinks I was just sitting around all day, doing nothing.
So I’m giving myself the same “homework” as I am my son. I am having him write a letter to his teacher explaining what he did, what his intentions were, what lessons he has learned, and asking her to help him right the situation. In my case, I am going to try and send “wrap up” emails to my clients who have open projects each day, letting them know where I am at, what stages have already been completed and what’s next.
So that’s that. I figured I’d blog about it to be a bit more accountable to myself so that I can work towards making my daily accountability emails habit. Maybe sending them will, in some way, give me closure that I did accomplish something each day, even if the shoulder-devil says otherwise.